Crucible Woman

I am not a burner. I am more of a Crucible Woman type.

I have been trying to figure out why I haven’t been or don’t really want to go to Burning Man.

I think it’s because my actual life has so many qualities of Burning Man. I careen around and through very different worlds:

Teaching middle school (Black Odyssey, Midsummer Night’s Dream and Amygdala hijack)

Training facilitators in the hip tech fabulous world( I teach them how to ‘authentically listen.’ Translation: I teach them some improv techniques and some basic energy work.),

I skirt home, a super messy home, to be present for my son when he gets frustrated with math homework or when I get frustrated that house elves don’t exist; (Harry Potter is the serious wet dream of a single parent.)

I jump out of bed on a Saturday to pack major snacks for the 12 year old growing gazelles boys; get in the car, drive 90 minutes so my son and his gazelle friends can play a basketball game.

At the basketball game, at the end point of the world in Tracy CA, I get yelled at by a crazy parent on the other team who is writhing on the court and hurling epithets at the ref. Because I’m slack jawed staring at her, she turns to ME and sneers: “what are you looking at? Huh?! What are you looking at?”

It’s a good question because I don’t really know what I’m looking at. In some ways, this interchange could be something out of a Taylor Mac performance since he likes discomfort. But Taylor also WANTS the audience to watch him. So I’m confused and definitely uncomfortable with this wild, gesticulating women with long platinum blond hair, bright red lipstick, cat eye-liner and cut off jean shorts that leave nothing, and I mean nothing, to the imagination. She is curling her lip and sticking her chin in my direction, while- I am pretty sure- my jaw is clonking on the ground. I manage to say, “I’m trying to watch the game.”

I drive back home while the boys freestyle in the back; I dream about doing a collaborative performance piece with Machine Dazzle of the LightWhite Ladies (They are characters from my novel, “Charming Girl No More”. They are women in 12 foot tall light-filled, couture dresses — Are you listening Machine? — who train a superhero teen named Charming Girl.)

Back home, I surmount Mt. Laundry. Realize there is too much furniture in our apartment so start to design a better cleaner space. That helps because I really want to ignore the dirty laundry that just stares at me judgmentally convincing me I am a bad mother and barely even an adult.

Ask myself briefly if these T Shirts and 7 books on the floor because there is no room on the shelf, bring me joy. I have no idea. And then gladly agree with my dear friend who says M Kondo probably has a diagnoses.

Make calls to Covered California regarding my MediCAL. ( That reminds me.)

Read John O Donahue, Eckhardt Tolle, Lynda Barry, Kazuo Ishiguro and Pema Chodron on the couch in the sun. Because it’s super cozy. And. All the other couches and chairs have stuff on them.

So. In fact, my life feels like Burning Man. Rich, wild, messy, joyful.

By the way, I don’t do the drugs like . Because…I’m a single parent. That fits the bill for all the good, bad and the ugly of drug use.

Crucible Woman is a healing event in a different way. Crucilbe Woman can happen any time. With or without other people.

Crucible Woman is the festival of the Small Moment. It’s a celebration of stillness and solitude. Like when you are peeling garlic and for no reason you suddenly feel utter joy and completely connectedness. (They do say garlic is good for your heart.)

Or when you swim under water in a lake.

Crucible Woman’s sponsored element is water.

Crucible Woman welcomes offerings and spontaneous celebrations about the simple and the solitary. (Of course it’s completely great if you don’t happen to be alone.)

And get this, a Crucible Woman event can happen any time, any where. You can become part of the CW collective when you have a surprising thought or new idea, or a sudden moment of joy. Having a good laugh in the middle of the kitchen? Or floods of tears in the car? Growling in the bathroom so you don’t startle other humans? Looking for your keys but then freezing because you realizing how you will solve a plot point in your novel? Wiggling your toes in your warm sheets as you wake up?

Well, bingo! All of those examples check out as authentic Crucible Woman.

Indeed, all of them can happen while you re doing the dishes, or driving a kid or group of kids somewhere random (Stockton CA) but necessary (basketball tournament). As you can imagine, Crucible Woman can absolutely happen in an art studio. Or a studio apartment. Or in a parking garage.

A Crucible Woman Flashmoment can happen when you are patiently answering your son’s [inane] question about where his keys are when they are on his desk. In plain sight.

And if you are needing to feel clicked in to the CW collective in a moment of strife, when you feel lonely as opposed to alone, and you think that the “Crucible Woman” thing is dumb and not real, take a drink of water, sparkling if you prefer. And you can breathe and realize that, actually, we are all in the collective of Crucible Woman. All of us. We don’t need to go to the desert, or do drugs, or get into costume, or blog and post everyday, or keep up your streaks, or find a book agent.

I mean, you can do all things and still absolutely connect to Crucible Woman but you do not have to.

PS All non-human beings are card-carrying members of the CW collective and know this for fact.

The hummingbirds, the acorn woodpeckers, the jack rabbits, the Great Horned owls, the javelinas, the cypress trees and the Doug Firs, the poppies and the lilacs, the all know and adore the connection of Crucible Woman. They know this constantly.

So if you are feeling detached or melancholy or unproductive and/or silly in your pursuits, check in with a boulder, a stream, an old photo, a child’s drawing of a dragon, or a shell, or a flower or a painting. They will always reassure you that Crucible Woman is real and present and is, in fact, happening right now.

And you can come on in and join.

Crucible Woman is smiling.

She is here.

You are Her.